The Art of Civilized Conversation

"The time has come," the Walrus said,                            the Walrus said,

"To talk of many things:

Of shoes- and ships- and sealing wax-

Of cabbages- and Kings-

And why the sea is boiling hot-

And whether pigs have wings."

-Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass, 1872

The Art of Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Margarent Sheperd is a definite must read! Come to regard conversation as an art form and be masterful with your ability to communicate. Conversation is not the mere passing of information or a chore to be undertaken.  Experience the joy of expression that connects one person to another and enjoy the many benefits of doing it well. Be an effective communicator and  conversationalist and you will bring light and fun to every situation, making your presence desirable to all.

The book breaks down the do's and don'ts of gracious conversation for different occasions, with different types of people, various situations between two or more people, the importance of body language and listening. She tells you how to say "thank-you" and "no thank-you" with elegance and grace, suggesting the appropriate attitude for asking for help, and how to reciprocate and deepen relationships through meaningful exchanges.

Don't be afraid of silences and realize truly shy people disengage from the situation, so coax their presence back into the moment gently, and never ramble. Always avoid taboo subjects whenever possible. Taboo subjects in America are religion, sex, and politics and it is never polite to talk about intimate body functions, money, illness, or helpless situations.

Try to share personal thoughts and experiences with someone and encourage them to share something about themselves instead of talking constantly about activities. Always pay attention to body language and watch to see whether or not you are being a total bore, telltale signs include a grim smile, glazed over eyes, and lack of eye contact.

One section of the book is particularly gripping. It was a section on how to talk to people who are dying. Very interesting stuff.

Do:

• Ask about his or her condition. Listen courteously.
• Be ready to let your friend express anger. Don't argue back. Say it's not fair. It must be really difficulat to accept. I'd be angry, too.
• Say, "Tell me about being here, " "when is your best time of day?" "What's your day like?" and (if it's even remotely true), "You look better."
• Leave the room if the doctor or a staff person comes in. If you overhear details, don't gossip about them.
• Offer to read aloud. This fills the conversational gap and connects the patient to another world. It is less tiring than holding up his end of the conversation.

Don't:

Say, "You look great" (if it's really not true) or "You look terrible." (even if it is.)

Tell no mothers sad stories if their baby had a rough start- difficult delivery, jaundice, slight abnormalities, hernias, and bruises. These issues will soon recede inot the fog of memory, but the parents won't forget that you added to their distress with your gloom and doom.

• Refer to your visit as a duty.
• Compete.
• Catastrophize: "Oh, my God, this is awful." "Oh, how can you stand it?"
• Disparage his surroundings (hospital food, bed, view from the window, or personnel), even if he does.
• Chat with sick people about others you know who got worse or didn't make it.

When faced with a friend or family member who is dying, you will probably have to override your instinctive reluctance and follow the wisdom of Immanuel Kant, "I ought, therefore I can." Speak with the nurse or caregiver and discuss the most appropriate time of day to visit. Limit your visits to 15 minutes at a time, and return every third day. Check in with the nurses and family members and ask for an update before the visit begins. Touch the person, if you are able. Hold hands, smile, and listen patiently. Follow her lead, ask where she would like you to sit, and say something like:

• How are you doing today?
• I'm here. I care about you.
• This seems hard. How are you holding up?
• I don't really know what to say.
• I want to tell you that you mean so much to me.

When someone is dying or is seriously ill, follow the ten rules of conversation, especially don't ramble. Be sensitive to the fact that she is making the journey, not you. Also don't:

• Comment her appearance or the paraphenalia of terminal illness. (oxygen tent, morphine pump)
• Pretend that everything is going to turn out okay when it's clearly not.
• Argue.
• Try to "fix" her situation.
• Decline to talk about what she wants to talk about or hush her off if she wants to talk about death.
• Comment about your own distress at seeing her diminished. She is already at a disadvantage in being bedridden, wearing a hospital gown, feeling dsabled, needing help, and wanting more time. It's not about you. Show her that she is still the person you know and care about. If the sick person is unable to speak or is in a coma, keep speaking as though she were there and listening.

Overall, the book is a scream. Chock full of truly useful tidbits to turn the tide on any blah moments which may arise in your next conversation. The social graces you thought you already had, just got a little easier to recall, thanks to this book. Check it out at your local library today and 'say it with style'!